My Doctoral Journey

Cancer took my mother but not my hope

When she died, I would sit at the table and try to get the fork in my mouth without crying into my plate. The tears just fell. Not when I blinked, Not when I thought of her,  but the whole time. They fell.

awezxfdx.png

I promised I would share this story. This is a story of loss, a story of cancer, and a story of hope. I am 32, its official. I have made it through my first birthday without her. She was a profound impact in my life and she was my mom. I am still not sure exactly what can be said. The day I found out my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was wrapping up my last 3 classes of my MBA program. I was applying for my doctorate program. I was in the middle of changing career focus. I was planning my daughter’s 7th birthday.  And I was dying inside. Her announcement came complete with a 5% survival rate for thirty days. Stage four pancreatic cancer.

She withdrew. We had no time but it was too much for her to bare. There is nothing worst than learning your plans have been cut short. I fought. I fought hard. I researched, networked, and reported every possible solution. She tried many, and although she survived well beyond her 5% survival diagnosis, by another 3 months, none worked. Three months does not offer enough time to say good bye.

I don’t really want to talk about the horrors of cancer. I don’t want to discuss her fear, or treatments, or our conversations… I do want to share with you the hope I found in myself. I want to tell you some of the greatest lessons she taught me. I want to honor her.

trsdr.png

I believe in you honey, now go after your dreams, earn your DM and do not stand in your own way. I will be there watching over you.  -Our last conversation- My Mom

That was one of the last things she said to me. To tell you I did not crumble to the floor wallowing in the thought of her watching over me, rather than living life with me… would be a lie. I cried. A part of me died that day, a few hours after hearing this, my aunt called to tell me she was gone. Anger is hot and it comes on fast, but not always with focus.

To be honest with you, I was irrationally mad. In that moment, my mommy left me. She left me in this crazy world to figure life out all by myself. I was mad. I was sad. She was 19 years older than me! She was beautiful. She was a fighter. And yet, She was gone.

It was weeks later when I found myself talking to a friend, and I had my ah-ha moment. I could do exactly as she said. I could choose to believe that she is with me and she is seeing me through to greatness, and if in no other way- it will be true in the way that I feel. The anger fades.

htfh

Do not give up. Earn your doctorates degree and change the world with your kindness. – My Mom, September 2016

I posted this picture with one of my first blog posts. I only see sadness. I was exhausted. It was a lot of reading… but I cried more.

When she told me not to give up, neither of us were aware of the time commitments required for the study and participation of the program. Toward the end of her life she had told me that if it came down to me attending her funeral or staying in class – choose your education. To be honest with you it came down to just that for me. I wasn’t able to attend my own mother’s funeral.

You see, I wasn’t invited. After she died, I did not hear anything else from her side of the family. They left me, all alone in the world. (Please note I live in a different state) All accept my favorite aunt who was my mother’s best friend. Its heartbreaking, I know… but do not cry for me, please instead take this lesson I have learned.

Love is stronger than anything. Do not forget in your sorrows to reach out to the world around you. I grew up with true introverts, and when sadness takes over they go inward. I too am an introvert, but when sad, I now, go out of my way, to wear a few positive extrovert character traits. Do not cut people out of your life when the going gets tough… Let them in so you can get strong with them! Do not cut them out! Because you may forget to realize that they are hurting too.

ihil

Friends can be family. My teams in academic groups, networks, and business stepped up to help me. In them, I found strength. In them, I found my mom, the best parts of her! My mother taught me that life can be excruciating but only as long as you allow it too.

I woke up one day to an email from a young woman who also lost her mom to cancer. She told me the hardest part of loosing your mother is trying to figure out who you are without her to cast a shadow.

In that moment my hope stated to blossom. I did not have to feel that way. Instead I could learn who I am with her there, looking out for me. In this way I am not bound to her life, in that moment I was free from my fears… In that moment, I needed to discover myself.

My friends stepped up. They told me what they see in me. Why they love me. Why I would never be alone, and I, Constance Quigley, stated to take shape… again and anew.

At one time the tears just fell. When reading, when eating, when breathing. It was my friends that showed me my mother lives through their support. It was then, when I realized that her kindness was shining through in all of my connections, that my tears fell less.

oiyutd

The world got slower a few weeks later. Time seemed to still and I ran through all of my memories with her. I thought as far back as I could… desperately trying to retain every precious moment I had with her. Clinging to the very thoughts that formed the beautiful woman that represents mother in my mind. I had let go of every argument, every hurt, every disagreement. Now time slowed and I only wanted every precious moment filled with memories of her smile. I have her smile.

When I was little I would be insulted when someone thought I had my mother’s smile… Now its my favorite part of her memory. I try to share it often.

My mom used to tell me that greatness is fake unless it is supported by kindness.

Take that lesson from my mom and be kind!

oijuih

You are whatever you see yourself to be. Its simple, but as the days turned to weeks the message got louder. It reflected in my academic study, it repeated itself on social media, and I even caught myself saying it. You are whatever you see yourself to be.

So I choose to be a reflection of everything I honor in my mother. I choose to be kind, honest, moral, ethical, focused, positive, successful, blessed, and constant. I choose to honor the best of her and lay to rest the little things. I don’t think she abandoned me, anymore, I have come to realize she found a better way to support me.

6

In honor of my mom, I wanted to share. In honor of my mom, I will succeed. In honor of my mom, I am putting my children first in every aspect of my life and my health second!

There is nothing in life that can compare to the desperate ache of loosing your mom. I cannot offer anything more than what I have learned. It has been almost 6 months since my mom passed away. I still feel numb. I still wake up with the desire to call her! I still break when I realize she’s not there. I haven’t deleted her voicemail, but I cant listen to it. It still hurts. My throat still swells and tears still fall when I think of her.

But there is hope. I am not crying out of desperation, abandonment, or hurt. Now I cry tears of love, determination, and respect. If I could give you one lesson in all of my ventures, it would be to love hard. I loved my mother with every ounce of my being. I loved her with every breath I have ever taken, and today I honor her.

Love hard, because a heart that loved completely finds peace and balance in morning. A heart that loves completely will find hope. In little bits each day, and those moments add, allowing your heart to heal in time and your love a greater reach.

Be Blessed, I honor all moms, and cherish every moment.

We are Anishanabee, and her memory will live forever in her story and through her children. The featured painting is sacred and all rights are reserved, please do not copy. It was done to honor my mother’s spiritual journey. – Constance Quigley

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s